Large Electronic Goods Chainstore Tales : 1

So I was standing up at the back counter, sorting fuses into alphabetical order or some shit, when this old couple appear.
A wee old dude in a Davros chair, with those big wraparound amber specs... And his wee old wife, who had the sort of face that gave me great comfort in the knowledge that all the nettles in her home area are going to be 100% urine-free.

They produce one of the wee radio-controlled helicopters we sell.
And thus, the saga begins...


"This is broken. We want a refund."

As per standard operating procedure, I told them I'd be happy to test the item, and if I found it to be faulty, they'd be welcome to their refund.

"It's broken. You switch it on, and it just flies straight up."

-Fair enough, but I still need to test it.



So I switched the helicopter on, and then turned on the controller.

"Don't turn that on. It goes haywire when that's switched OFF."

- Have you charged it properly? These things can develop a mind of their own when the battery's almost flat.

"Yes, of course I have. We charged it three times."
[ This seemed odd to me, since how can you charge it three times if you're not getting use out of it enough to flatten the battery? ]

- Well...
*We stand for a minute or two, staring at the decidedly non-going-haywire helicopter*
... Looks OK to me.
Lemme test the controller.


I switched the controller on, and brought the chopper up into a hover.
Flew it around, then crashed it into the wall.
I suck at flying R/C choppers.

-Seems to be flying fine to me.

"It's broken."

-Sorry, but it's not. It responded fine to the controller, and isn't showing any signs of a fault.
Perhaps you've got something in your home interfering? Kids next door?

"No! There's no children. Pfft."

-Well, I didn't know that. Microwave perhaps?

"It could be those walkie talkies you sell."

*I grab one and press Transmit*
-Nope. Not those.
Either way, something in your home's causing interference.
The helicopter's fine. We can't give you a full refund, since the packaging's been damaged.

"WHAT? This is outrageous. Get a manager."

-OK.

So one of the managers comes over, and tells them that we can give them a refund minus a 20% restock fee ( Usually 10% at manager's discretion, but the Belligerence Fee is an extra 10% on top. )

" We haven't damaged the box at all. This is how we got it."

- Sorry. The fact remains, the polystyrene is warped, and the unit HAS been played with. Legally, it's now second hand.

"Fine. We're going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau."

-OK, cheers. Here's your money back minus the 20%. Have a nice day!




So I go back to repackaging the chopper.
A few minutes pass.

"You. I'll be having the batteries back from the controller."

I love polite customers.
I'm more than happy to drop what I'm doing to help 'em.

-OK. Just let me finish putting...

...these...


...twiiiist...

...tttiiiiieeessss...

...in...

...to...

...the...

...b...

...o...

...x.

OK, done. Lemme just open the battery box.


Mrs BLPOAN then pipes up again.

"I think it's absolutely atrocious how we've been treated here."

- I'm sorry if you feel that we've not been helpful, but as you saw yourself, the helicopter works fine. Here.
We're not responsible for any issues your home may have regarding radio controlled products.

"What?! It's not our home's fault. That thing is a health hazard! It broke our paper lampshade"

[ These things are made of FOAM. I could hit you with one with all of my mighty might, and it would not bruise you. ]

- Well, sorry. It's not broken. It works fine. There's something in your home causing interference. You'd be fine playing with one elsewhere.

"Just because it's working here doesn't mean it's fine!"

- Yes. Yes it does.

"I had to climb a ladder to get the thing off of the ceiling!"

- Sorry to hear that. It's not broken. Something's causing interference in your home. Microwave, maybe?

"When you turned it on, YOU crashed it into the wall."

- Yes. I suck at flying them. But it did exactly what I told it to do. I just inadvertently told it to crash into a wall is all.

[ All this time, I'm popping the batteries out onto the counter. ]


"This is terrible. The thing is broken. You're just saying what you've been told to say. Do you honestly think this is alright?"

- I'm sorry, but that's not true. I've been playing with R.C. gear for years, and I'm giving you my personal opinion on the situation.

"I don't care what you do in your spare time!"

- Well, you did ask. And I'm giving you my opinion. And right now, you have two options. You can either listen to what I'm telling you - And have the benefit of my experience in such matters... Or you can take your batteries and leave the shop.
Here's your batteries. Thank you. Have a nice day.


[ They fucked off. ]

One of the other managers then appeared behind me, and told me that he was just waiting for her to ask for a manager again, as he was dying to just literally pop up over my shoulder, and go

"He's right. Bye!"

TJWBGIIWFTFC!